Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fat Bride

It pains me to tell you this, but the information I am about to share with you was learned from Jessica Simpson’s Price of Beauty TV show. (yes, again) Never in my life did I think I would be learning from Jessica Simpson. This is the girl that thought her Chicken of the Sea tuna was Chicken! But at last, I have learned something else, I would like to share. And women, after reading this post, you may just want to move to Africa.

In America, we have what we call the “wedding diet.” Women strive to look great on their wedding day. I have actually pretended I was getting married, so maybe I would get on the “wedding diet.” It’s a day all about you, and a day filled of pictures that will last for a lifetime, so the goal is to look your best. And as you know, in America, thin is beautiful.

But in a far, far land, there is a tribe that believes a FAT Bride is beautiful. The Hima Tribe of Uganda (Africa) encourages a bride to gain as much weight as possible before a wedding. “Brides to be” are actually sent to a fattening huts for 2 months prior to their wedding day to fatten up. In the hut, the bride drinks whole milk virtually non-stop, and consumes 5000 calories per day.

The bigger your woman and the more cows you possess indicate your status within in the Hima Tribe. Fat bride, plus lots of cattle? Consider yourself the Steve Jobs of the Hima tribe.

On the show, they had an actual Hima Tribe wedding ceremony. The bride was pleasantly plump after her two month stay in the hut, and the groom could not be happier. He actually dedicated a poem to her, in which he said, “When I set my eyes on her (bride), she reminded me of red cows in Rwanda, beautiful and sleek.” I don’t think any woman wants to remind her husband of a COW, but the Hima Tribe sees this as beautiful.

The brides also must wear black on their wedding day. It amazed me at how different our cultures were. In America, it’s a choice between white or ivory (unless this is your 10th go around and you opt for red) and the goal is to be the thinnest you can be (well, for some people…I guess I am stereotyping). If we were a part of this tribe, our goals would be to fatten up and find a black dress.

On a day like today, the Hima tribe does not sound too bad (I am hungry, and I enjoy black dresses)…but then again, I think eating 5000 calories a day would be a pretty big challenge.

If I were to live there, we would have to industrialize the place and build a Braum’s. That is what I would want to get fattened up on, and there are plenty of cows to go around.

Hope everyone has a happy hump day and enjoyed their cultural lesson. It’s going to be a long day here – my dress sleeves have been caught on 4 door handles and I have been dressed for an hour. My shoes are also making a funky noise – sounds like wet feet on flip flops. (squeak, squeak) Maybe I should just pop some popcorn and really be an annoyance to the office.


  1. Robert would call me "fat bride" when I was stressed about my wedding weight. It was HILARIOUS. I heard on the radio today that Jessica is going to be on the cover of Marie Claire with no make-up and no touch-ups. Another tradition of the Hima tribe? ha. Also, I may or may not accidentally consumed 5,000 calories yesterday.

  2. I'm on what I pretend to be the wedding diet now. It doesn't help that I fall off the wagon about....oh every day.
    Grrr...I hate my fat arms!